DOS COME-ON-OS!

Pardon the pun, but COME ON! Dos Caminos is EXASPERATING! I went tonight for their Restaurant Week $35 three-course dinner and lost $60, my appetite for overpriced "Mexican" food, and three hours of my life. The only good thing about the meal was the company; it was a "funny ladies" night organized by my friend who I very affectionately call Coach Tony, and the "funny ladies" were in fact funny and delightful. The food was, in the Yiddish words of my maternal grandmother, a shande!

I know restaurants don't put their best yummies on the prix fixe -- why should they? Some places LOSE money during Restaurant Week, but believe me, Dos Caminos does not. First, we got three bowls of guacamole. On the menu, guacamole is priced at $12 per bowl. When our check came, we were charged SEVENTY TWO DOLLARS!!! WHAT. THE. FUCK? WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK?! SEVENTY TWO DOLLARS WORTH OF GUACAMOLE?! ARE YOU FOR REAL DOS CAMINOS?! Turns out our waitress "brought enough for the table to share," which translates to "double bowls" of guacamole. Double bowls means $24 per bowl. Hey waitress? Yeah you, the one who REFUSED TO REMOVE THE MENUS FROM OUR TABLE AND NEVER CLEARED OUR PLATES AND MADE US WAIT 35 MINUTES TO TAKE OUR ORDER: I have a message for you: I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. YOU ARE A BAD LADY AND I HOPE YOUR NOT-SO-SECRET AMBITION OF BEING A MOVIE PRODUCER IS AS STUNTED AND FRUSTRATED AS I WAS DURING THIS MEAL. SERIOUSLY: YOU'RE TERRIBLE. I WANT TO BECOME THE MANAGER OF DOS CAMINOS JUST SO I CAN FIRE YOU.

But okay, a lot of places gouge you. Fine. At least it's fine when the food is good. NOT THE CASE with DOS CA-SHIT-SMEAR.

First course: Shrimp Ceviche. I would describe it as being pine-nutty. Which is alarming, because ceviche shouldn't be nutty, pine or otherwise. It should be limey and citrusy and redolent of cilantro. PINE NUTS? Booooo. F-

Second course: Hangar Steak. Steak was alright. Requested medium and cooked just right. I think I just don't like hangar steak, but that's not the restaurant's fault. What is the restaurant's fault? The SALTY TATER TOT ODDITIES served on the side. What was the deal with the insides of these fried dingle-berries? I. Don't. Know. It wasn't mashed potatoes, and it wasn't cheese, but it was white, and soft, and SALTY. And the other side dish was so fucking stupid that I almost winged it like a frisbee back into the kitchen. It was a cold, folded flour tortilla that tasted as if it came from one of those plastic supermarket packets. Really, Dos Caminos? That's part of the entree? A cold tortilla? Boooooo. D+

Third course: Chocolate Empanadas with Espresso Ice Cream. Hi, I'm your dessert, are you ready for me to disappoint you? I'm basically a fried Hot-Pocket stuffed with lukewarm Nutella, and melting next to me is a pat of ice-cream that's supposed to taste like espresso, but instead tastes like liquor. Bad liquor. F+

I am never going back to this restaurant.