A CAUTIONARY TALE

Today I woke up with large breadcrumbs stuck to my legs and sheets. There was turkey in my hair. And the taste of swiss cheese and mustard on my breath.

I'm no forensic genius, but I think l had a one-night stand with a turkey sandwich. I'm not entirely sure, because I don't remember us getting together. I don't remember how the turkey sandwich even got into my bedroom. And, worse, my bed!

I'm hoping it was consensual, although I can't find the turkey sandwich to ask it. I think I said "no!" a couple of times, but it kept putting itself in my mouth anyway.

I was face-raped by a turkey sandwich.

I know what you're thinking:

Wow.

Right?

I can't imagine the kind of Google searches that are now going to lead to this entry.