Tuesday, February 28, 2006


I win again! Today was one of those "free lunch" days, and I was the beneficiary of Riley's -- my segment producer's -- largesse. In cable production if you're in an edit both the producer and editor get free lunch; it's part of the show budget. But in my new job I am merely a writer and have to pay for my meals. Lucky for me Riley's editor happens to be on The Zone Diet, so Riley gave me his meal. And the meal was most certainly not part of any diet, Zone or otherwise.

That's because Riley has a tradition of ordering burgers on his first day in an edit, which is a coincidence if ever there was one, because I have a tradition of eating burgers whenever they are fucking free, dude!

We ordered from Island Burgers and Shakes, in Hell's Kitchen. They've got about 70 different burgers listed on their menu, from The Napalm (blackened, bbq, jalapeno, cheddar, habanero sauce) to The Frog (boursin, bacon, onions), to The Hippo (curried sour cream, bacon, cheddar, onion, scallion, guacamole, pita), and all the way back to The Derby (bacon, bleu cheese, avocado). For me this kind of menu is both offensive and the gastronomic equivalent of foreplay.

I ordered The Cowboy (bbq sauce, onion, bacon, cheddar, ranch, sourdough), cooked medium. When it arrived I kind of lost my shit: it was so beautiful! HUGE slices of sourdough bread, soaked in spicy bbq sauce and beef grease. Oh those sauteed onions, so slick and translucent! Ah, what's that? TWO large strips of not-quite-crisp-enough bacon but I won't quibble with delivery -- it's hard to get temps right on the road. And don't get me started on the meat in the middle: HOLY MOLY that's A LOT OF MEAT COOKED PERFECTLY JUICY AND WOAH THERE IS LIKE JUST SO MUCH OF IT! SOOOOOOOO MUCH MEEAAAATTTT! AHHHHHHHH! I had to remove most of the cheddar because they gave too much, but since when do I fault generosity? Since NEVER!

Okay, so I ate this beast of a Cowboy in about 10 minutes, and I made pretty good work of it. I felt a little defeated that I couldn't finish the entire thing, but people: it was HUMONGOUS!

I would DEFINITELY order from Island Burgers and Shakes again, and next time I'll try a shake.

I will give a single caveat: though my burger was dispensed with at around 1:30pm, I still smell like a Cowboy, and it is now 8pm. I also don't think I will be hungry ever again. Talk about winning!


Anonymous Hector said...

Wait.....wasn't there this little place in the Village that you used to kvel about? Didn't they make hand rolled / molded fresh meat THICK juicy burgers? Greasy too. Just like the truly authentic ones we used to get at the famous Greasy Spoon. We thought that, for you, it was the penultimate. Now you found another? Or rather, a substitute? And while we're at it, whatever happened to Junior's? We used to think that THOSE were stupendous, thick, juicy burgers, unlike those flat saucer type things commonly found at the "Diner". But the truth is - and you know this as fact - the very best burger; the most compeling reason to eat a burger; the most addictive burger there is, is non other than.....White Castle!! That's right. For years, you have been taught that NOTHING compares with those little square, perfectly shaped pieces of meat (?); amazingly STEAMED little square buns (!); and perfectly prepared little cubes of onion on top. But of course, nothing can compare, or really explain the LITTLE holes in the meat patty. Wethinks it's what allows the cooking to be so uniform by creating more surface area for the residual griddle grease to cover the available meat surface. (Listen, we've done serious studies on this; trust us). And when you do go there, the beauty of it all is that you never ever order a single burger; nope, you order a BAGFULL. Now THAT'S what we would describe as burger eatin'!! You'll try some soon, won'tcha?? And by the way; never stress the residual onion/grease/sauce burger breath. It's a true sign of conquest.

2:11 AM  
Blogger Keir said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:27 AM  
Anonymous Mom said...

Shut up Clark. My kids don't eat anything at white castle, let alnoe burgers. Talk about meh!

9:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why on earth did el vego Keir pull his comment? He is always so on target. What's going on here? Explanation please, and try and speak slowly; it takes us a little longer out here....

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