SAL-MON

Hey Didja Know?!

That's not how you're supposed to pronounce this fish!

Shhhhhh! Don't wake the "L!" It's SILENT! Or maybe it's not snuggly-sleeping, maybe the "L" is so shy that it's completely shut down and is forever reticent.

So Vynyl Diner Employee, O Ye Of No Discernible Accent, So Ye Must Not Be ESL -- I have a confession to make:

When you asked me today, over the phone, how I would like the Sal-Mon cooked in my Mixed Greens and Salmon Salad, I was more than a little flummoxed.

A) Were you asking me a trick question? Because Salmon and/or Sal-mon should pretty much be cooked all the way through, to total opaqueness. Unless your Vynyl Diner somehow turned into a high-quality sushi restaurant overnight, I don't think you have any business serving Sal-Mon or Salmon as if it were a cut of beef. Has anyone ever requested that their salmon be prepared "medium-rare?" If so, such a person is unlikely to ever be a close friend of mine, nor will such a person ever kiss me in the style of the Parisians. I promise this.

B) I clearly said, "I'll have the mixed greens and sam-mon salad," to which you said, "Sal-mon?" And I was like, "uh...Sam-mon?" And you were all, "SAL-mon?!" And I had to say "Yes. Sal-mon. Cooked through, please." But be honest, VDE: were you "punking" me? Because that was crazy. I felt simultaneously enraged AND bemused.

At least you made me feel SOMETHING, VDE, and God knows I've been numb for far too long.