Wednesday, February 01, 2006

THERE CAN BE ONLY TWO

Oops! I made a mistake!

Breyer's All Natural Vanilla is STILL the most DELICIOUS ICE CREAM, and because it's ICE CREAM, it's the most DELICIOUS of all foods, but there is ONE OTHER FOOD that is AS EMPIRICALLY DELICIOUS, and I feel anxious for having neglected to mention it.

This food introduced me to the concept of a MOUTHGASM.

Do I really need to explain what a MOUTHGASM is? It's when your mouth explodes in joyous spasms of tension release based solely on the DELICIOUSITY of the food inside it.

MOUTHGASMS are rare, but believe me, YOU KNOW when you're having one.

And I know, when I need one, exactly how to get it. Hey, I'm a lady who takes care of herself!

The quickest way to achieve MOUTHGASM is by taking ONE VERY FRESH, HOT, KRISPY KREME GLAZED DONUT and PLACING IT INSIDE YOUR MOUTH.

The donut MUST BE HOT. IT MUST BE PLAIN GLAZED. And it MUST BE KRISPY KREME.

Please try this. You will know what I'm talking about immediately. These donuts: there's no chewing necessary!

Maybe, if you're trying this for the first time, pick a quiet, private place to place the HOT FRESH DONUT in your mouth. Who knows how your MOUTHGASM is going to manifest itself, and you don't want to be publicly humiliated.

If you would like to take pictures of Krispy Kreme donuts in your mouth and your facial reactions, please send them to me, as I would like to see them.

9 Comments:

Blogger Amanda said...

Agreed. There is nothing better than a hot glazed krispy kreme donut in your mouth.

6:23 PM  
Blogger Keir said...

A question for the expert: are mouthgasms achievable only through the application of sweet foods to the pie-hole, or can one expect the mouth to gasm to savories as well, and if so, what are the savory foods most likely to gasm the mouth?

7:39 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Mouthgasms are not exclusive to sweet foods...Savories make the list.

For example: a fresh, hot slice of Sal's pizza, either regular or sicilian, will generally put the mouth in gasm.

Also, perfectly-fried french fries soaked on vinegar or dipped in mayonnaise can sometimes force one "over the edge."

1:04 PM  
Blogger Keir said...

Get this:

There are Krispy Kreme kiosks all over the London Underground now.

Just imagine yourself, stood somewhere in Victoria Station, equidistant between a Krispy Kreme stand and one serving fresh Cornish pasties, trying to decide what to do. It would freeze you in your tracks; it would freeze anyone in their tracks. Except potential terrorists. That's how they're catchin' 'em now, apparently.

3:32 PM  
Blogger garrett said...

I have a problem. I can only get mouthgasms when I surprise my mouth. Fresh hot glazed Krispy Kremes used to do it, but now my mouth expects it and puts up its defenses. Is there a way to fix this? Hypnosis?

12:51 PM  
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