Friday, December 01, 2006


I had a nightmare last night. I am not prone to them, and honestly can't remember the last time I had one, but what was interesting about last night's was that it was EXTREMELY vivid and, uh, kind of awesome! I mean, if it were a movie I would WATCH it.

So here is the part where I am going to describe my nightmare for you and then find a way to relate it to food, so here is also the part where you can save yourself from being bored and stop reading.

Okay. So basically, I was in my childhood backyard with an ex-boyfriend and we were looking at the moon, and it was HUGE. The moon was SO HUGE we could see the craters on it. It was lit and huge and didn't look real. And I said to the ex, "that's so doesn't look like a real moon." And he said, "Yeah, and there are all these shooting stars and meteorites out tonight." "Huh," I said. And we kept looking at the moon and it kept coming closer to the tall pine trees in my backyard. "That's weird," I thought. "The moon is, discernibly moving, and it's, like, super-big." And then, to my horror, the incredibly large moon hit a branch of a pine tree. As it made contact there was a mini-explosion and it severed off a branch, and then the whole pine tree was destroyed and suddenly blasts of fire and explosions were all around the sky and backyard and neighborhood. WE WERE BEING ATTACKED BY MARTIANS AND THE MOON WAS THEIR STARSHIP! Martians: SO CRAFTY!

So I just got the fuck out of there. I totally ditched the ex and ran! I ran to the front lawn and saw neighbors' cars exploding. The entire neighborhood was out and it was so real, everyone was just running and panicking because we were totally being attacked by what looked like amazing Hollywood pyrothechnics. I could tell some people were dead but it didn't faze me. I ran down toward the boat yard that, in reality, is near my childhood home, and found a fucking sweet classic car convertible. It was one of the sickest, most awesome cars I've ever seen, and it had its keys in the ignition! Thanks, dream! I hopped in, even though the car's middle-aged male owner was standing next it going, "Uh, that's my car." I'm not kidding: that was all the protest he gave. So I gunned it and tore out of the boat yard and onto the crowded street where whole families were running and panicking. In real life I am a bad driver, and in this dream I was TERRIBLE. The bucket seats of the car were too low, and I couldn't see out my rearview mirror, and I was just out of control and so as I drove I ran over people. IF YOUR CHILDHOOD NEIGHBORHOOD WERE BEING ATTACKED BY MOON-MARTIANS YOU MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY DO THE SAME THING! After I hit a child, though, I got upset and ditched the car. So then I had to decide if I was going to stick around and try to survive the attack, or keep moving and find a safer place.

I rested for a minute and here's where THE FOOD PART comes in: as I was making my decision whether to stay or go I wondered what I would eat if I stayed. I realized I would have to eat grass and bugs and drink putrid water. That is what made me keep moving. I was like, "I am not eating grass and bugs. I think I can do better." THAT IS SO ME TO THINK THAT WAY!

So then I found this random shopping mall-type area. It was clean and slick and though the people in it knew we were under attack, no one was really panicking. People were more like, calmly gathering. There was a spa area with these strange, shallow water slides (I know, WATER, very big in dream symbolism!), and middle-aged women were sliding down them. I didn't get in, but I did hang out in the spa area because it was more relaxing than anyplace else. Which is why, in real life, people hang out in spa areas. DUH.

SO THEN I MET THE MARTIANS. I spied them in their real form by looking out the glass enclosure of the mall. They were about 6'4", latex-paint gray, with the bearded faces of Dr. Seuss' The Lorax. But inside the mall, they all put on human disguises. They wore ugly suits and wigs and covered their skin with paint that did an extremely poor job of looking like human flesh. But they seemed really nice! And so we approached each other. I didn't feel any fear, and they seemed totally gentle. Some kind of dream conversation took place where they told me that they were taking over the planet because we had done such a bad job of protecting it, and even though they were going to mate with the women of Earth, they weren't going to rape us. That was good news! I told them that I didn't think it was necessary for them to dress up like humans, that I thought they looked better gray and natural, and that the makeup wasn't doing anything for them. I guess saying this really appealed to them, because they took a liking to me and led me back towards the spa area. There they talked to me about how the food and beauty industry lies to us about what is and is not natural and organic. They said that even in this safe, pleasant water-slide spa area, everything had been designed to be a fake-out just to make us consume more and spend more, but that none of it was doing anything to benefit the planet. Then they told me to get on the water slide because we were going to go someplace to learn more stuff.

I did. And I slid. And then I woke up! Booo, I know! Where were those Martian Lorax's going to take me, and what were they planning on teaching me? I mean, now that I think about it, my nightmare/dream seems more like some kind of unconscious environmental guilt-trip than anything else. If I didn't love throwing out paper so much and burning Styrofoam, I might be inspired to change my consumptive behavior a little bit! But: MAKING GARBAGE IS EASIER THAN CONSUMING LESS, so I'll probably do nothing.

Which is a shame, and a nightmare.


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