Thursday, February 01, 2007

SCARFIN'

Wow, hormones, you did it! You really know how to fuck my shit up! Thanks to your monthly spike, I have been on some kind of binge bender. I'm exactly like Godzilla if Tokyo were a city made of chocolate. And if Godzilla spoke English and had freckles. But you get the terrible analogy (fingers crossed!).

Yesterday's Menu:

Breakfast: Activia strawberry yogurt. English Breakfast tea, skim milk. SO FAR SO GOOD.

Lunch: Large romaine lettuce salad, tossed with artichoke hearts, sundried tomatoes, parmesan cheese, black olives, grilled mushrooms, fresh squeezed lemon, black pepper, balsamic vinegar. KEEP IT GOING, NEURINGER. LOOKIN' GOOD OUT THERE!

Snack: Snickers Bar. WHAT THE...?

2nd Snack: Swiss Miss hot chocolate. WAIT, DIDN'T YOU JUST HAVE A CANDY BAR 5 MINUTES AGO?

Dinner: Small coffee, four donut holes (2 chocolate, 2 glazed). THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

3rd Snack: Kozy Shack rice pudding cup. WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT.

2nd Dinner: 2 glasses Sauvignon Blanc, 1000 blue corn chips, 2 bowls guacamole, 2 bowls salsa. OKAY, THIS IS MORE BALANCED. CORN, AVOCADO, TOMATO, FERMENTED GRAPES. NICE!

4th Snack: Caramel Chocolate Luna Bar. THIS IS BASICALLY A CANDY BAR PACKAGED TO RESEMBLE A HEALTH FOOD. NOBODY LIKES YOU RIGHT NOW!

5th Snack: 1000 Carrot sticks, 1 tub o' hummus. WAY TO BRING IT BACK TO HEALTHY. I'M PROUD OF YOU. JUST DON'T FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH. WHAT? NO, YOU CAN'T JUST REST YOUR HEAD FOR A MINUTE, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR CLOTHES AND FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH. AT LEAST SET YOUR ALARM. HEY. HEY! HEY, ARE YOU ASLEEP ALREADY?! WOW. YOU LOOK SO PEACEFUL. LIKE A LITTLE DOLL. LET ME TUCK YOU IN. OH, YOU'RE AWAKE NOW. WHAT? OH, THAT'S SWEET, BUT UH, I CAN'T. BECAUSE, I JUST...CAN'T. LOOK, I CAN'T MAKE LOVE TO YOU, OKAY?! PLEASE STOP ASKING, THIS IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE. WHAT? A HUG? SURE, WHAT'S ONE LITTLE HUG? C'MERE. THERE, HOW WAS THAT? NOT LONG ENOUGH?! UH, OKAY. HERE. HOW WAS THAT? LONGER? UH...OKAY. OKAY. UH...LISTEN...UH...OKAY. UH...LOOK, I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA...WHAT? YOU NEVER WANT TO STOP HUGGING? EVER? I GOTTA...WOW, THAT'S SAD.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Ben said...

You sound like a hobbit. Do you have fuzzy toes?

That sounds a lot more insulting than I ever intended it to be.

5:54 PM  
Blogger Keir said...

If your menu yesterday was indicative of a monthly feminine hormonal spike then I am like one big Period.

Oh and if Snickers were healthy I'd be Superman.

1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Megan!
Keir!
OK; That's it.
This is a FOOD blog.
H E L L O ?

5:00 PM  

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