Monday, May 07, 2007

ONE LUMP OR TWO?

I have a catchphrase for whenever something lucky happens (or might potentially happen) to me, and it is this: "Steak dinner!" As in: I will reward myself or celebrate over a steak dinner. It's the only way to go, I think.

Well, I just uttered "Steak dinner!" to myself, only it's for the most hilariously insulting reason. Here it is:

A couple of weeks ago I auditioned for something which required me, at one point, to take my top off and show the producers, casting director, and cameraman what I look like in a bikini top. Except that I don't currently have a bikini, at least not one less than--I'm not kidding--8 years old. It's not decent, and certainly not flattering. So instead of wearing a sun-bleached triangle with stretched elastic, I wore a brand new push-up bra with a loud pattern thinking it'd look kind of like a bikini AND give the twins a little extra cleavage. Safe bet, right?

I then threw my dignity out the window and, IN A BRA, NOT A BIKINI, auditioned. Aside from the utter humiliation of IMPROVISING SHIRTLESS for a room full of men, it went well! So well, in fact, that I have a callback! Yeah! Steak Dinner! I don't want to jinx myself, but getting this part would be the exact kind of thing worth celebrating over a medium rare strip steak with well-done french fries and a side of creamed spinach. It's the kind of meal that would absolutely restore my dignity. Kind of!

But here's something: the casting director e-mailed me today to say that the producers want me to audition for a different, non-bikini-clad part. Hooray, right?! I mean, I wasn't too fond of the notion of wearing a bikini on-camera in the first place! I can't stop winning!

So what part DO they want me to audition for? Well, it's even SEXIER than the first:

Tooth Fairy: mousy looking, thin young woman, early 20’s, Caucasian who speaks in a foul, crass manner.

Wow. I show them my mo-mo's, my top-bits, my sweet-B's, and they come back to me with this. My own dumb vanity is trying to be flattered by their thinking I'm thin (and, I'll be honest, in my early 20's), but...no. There is nothing flattering about this breakdown. Even though I really couldn't be more typecast by it.

Nevertheless: fingers crossed! I would love to eat a steak dinner! And, who knows: maybe some of those extra calories will find a home in what I like to call Titty Kingdom.

1 Comments:

Blogger Keir said...

Watch this.

10:30 PM  

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