TWO OLD LADIES

If you share a dozen meals with me, you will discover that I am oftentimes like a ninety-year-old woman when it comes to how I dine out. For example, I adore the concept of The Early Bird special. Also, I am not afraid to order a fish dish and ask the waiter "is it a nice, fresh fillet?" as if the waiter would answer anything other than yes. I also will automatically fall in love with any restaurant which includes a soup AND salad course with its entree, because, like an old woman, I am fond of bargains and am frought with a subliminal fear of starvation that compels me to overfeed myself or at least order with the notion that I can take leftovers home.

And one of my best friends is like a ninety-year-old woman, too. That's WHY she's one of my best friends! I used to think it was hard to eat with her because her appetite is so much smaller than mine; she's a picky ninety-year-old, the kind of senior citizen whose appetite has diminished and can be satisfied by a mere bowl of soup.

But last night we had dinner together on The Upper West Side and something about her was different. It started when she greeted me, excitedly presenting a red velvet cupcake pre-split down the middle as little gift for us to share. We chimmy-chomped the cupcake outside a Sephora in the middle of the sidewalk. Don't doubt yourself: that IS the definition of CHARMING.

Then we couldn't decide what to eat. As I said I'm usually the hungry one, but last night my friend's appetite exactly matched mine. She was HUNGRY! And, like me, she couldn't decide if she wanted a burger or red-sauce Italian. But we wanted a place with AMBIANCE. This was a priority for both of us. Because we are old ladies. So we decided to get burgers, red sauce, AND (a little bit) of ambience at, conveniently enough, Big Nick's Burger And Pizza Joint.

Like the red velvet cupcake from an hour before, we SPLIT a chili cheeseburger, an antipasto salad, and an order of fresh-baked bread with a side of marinara sauce for dippage purposes. Big Nick's did something AWESOME and served the chili in a big bowl on the side, allowing us to sauce up for ourselves. And sauce up we did. Even though the chili was more like a can of baked beans with some meat in it, I was won over by the generosity of its portion. I would take a scoop, and then my friend would take a scoop. And then I would scoop some more. And then my friend would. And then I realized that my friend, the old lady with the teeny-tiny appetite, was actually FINISHING her portion of the meal and completely Clean-Plating it. Antipasto: GONE. Chili cheeseburger: DECIMATED. Bread and sauce: she left off the crust but mostly TERMINATED!

I mean, she was giving me, The Finisher Of All Meals, a major run for my money.

So I looked at my friend. My married friend. My happy, HUNGRY, married friend.

"So...are you...guys...trying?"
"Yeah."
"Awesome!"
"Yeah."
"That's so exciting!"
"Yeah. Actually, my period's late."
"Whoa! How late?"
"Like, late."
"Huh...Wow. HOW LATE?"
"...A couple of...weeks."
"Oh. OH. OOOOHHHHHHHH!"
"Yeah..."
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH!"
"Yeah..."
"OOOOOH MMMMMYYYYYYY GOOOOOODDDDDD!"
"I've only told a couple of people!"
"OOOOOOOOOHH MMMMMYYYYYY GOOODDDDD!"
"YEAH!"


We are not ninety-year-old women. Not even close.

A chili cheeseburger. Some salad with meat and cheese in it. Bread and sauce.
Thinking of it now, I can't imagine a more delicious dinner!