I AM THE BEST

Sometimes I am amazing. More infrequently than frequently, but still, enough times to COUNT.

Yesterday I had one of those moments. My co-worker Jackie, who I am in love with to a point where I can see, if I were a guy or a lesbian, all the ways she would charm me and make my heart hurt, wanted to get a Starbucks Frappucino. However, my co-worker Jackie, who I am crushing hard over because she is charming in almost the EXACT same way that I am charming, recently admitted to being on a little Spring diet. Nothing too extreme, but the kind of seasonal renegotiation with food that most New York women are susceptible to.

DISCLAIMER:

I would like to take this time to note that Jackie DOES NOT NEED TO LOSE ANY WEIGHT; she is hot as-is, but I also respect her decision to lose a couple of pounds if that is her desire.

So: when Jackie told me she wanted a Starbucks Green Tea Frappucino, I told her "Are you crazy?! Those things have like, 500 calories in them! NOT WORTH IT!" After some back and forth where I argued she might as well just have a milkshake, Jackie went to the Starbucks website and researched how much caloric damage the variously-flavored Frappucinos are really capable of making. I was mostly right in my assessment, but the smallest-sized (I will not say "Tall," or "Grande," or "Venti" EVER) skim Frappucinos were about 250-300 calories. Not TERRIBLE.

"But listen, Jackie," I said. "I can make you a delicious-tasting creamy tea drink using only the ingredients in our Corporate Kitchen FOR FREE! AND, it will be LOW CALORIE to boot!"

I'll admit: Jackie was skeptical. But I persisted: "You just take some plain green tea, steep it in hot 2% milk, add sugar to taste, and you've entered Yum City."

Jackie considered this, and then decided to MAKE THE DRINK HERSELF. EVEN THOUGH I HAD OFFERED.

"Wait," I said. "You can't use the green tea in the kitchen. It's flavored with passionfruit, and that doesn't mix well with milk. It's too citrusy. DON'T DO IT!"

Jackie, being obstinate, insisted. She came back to our Writer's Cave steeping a passionfruit green tea baggy in water.

"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Steeping."
"No, I mean, what are you doing?"
"I am steeping my tea for the creamy drink!"
"But WHY are you steeping it in WATER?!"
"Because then I'll add it to the milk!"
"THAT MAKES NO SENSE! YOU WILL HAVE MILKY WATER CITRUS GROSS TEA!"



"Oh. You're right."


Jackie tossed her bad idea and went to make a new one. She came back this time with the passionfruit green tea steeping in hot milk.

"What are you doing now?" I asked.
"Steeping."
"No, I mean, why are you still using that citrus tea! IT WON'T TASTE GOOD!"
"I'M JUST GOING TO TRY IT! IT MIGHT WORK!"
"FINE! IT WON'T! BUT FINE!"


"Oh. You're right. That tastes terrible."


"Come with me!" I said, and led Jackie to the Corporate Kitchen. "Now watch."

I poured 2% milk in a cup, and microwaved it. Meanwhile, I took two baggies of English Breakfast tea and unwrapped them. Then I found two sugar packets. When the milk was warm, I steeped the tea bags for about five minutes, and added the sugar. Then I poured the sweet milk tea over ice for Jackie. Then she drank it. Then she said, "Wow! This is DELICIOUS! WOW!"

And I said, "I know."

And that is why, sometimes, only sometimes, I am amazing.