Thursday, April 06, 2006

POLAND SPRING: WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A KLUTZ

I have a somewhat embarrassing confession to make:

I don't like water.
At least, I don't like DRINKING water.
I love to bathe in it, shower in it, swim in it, and live near to it.
But I HATE THE TASTE!

Don't tell me that water has no taste. It DOES! It tastes like NOTHING! Which is exactly WHY I don't like drinking it! It feels WEIRD to swallow something that tastes like NOTHING!

This, of course, leaves me in a state of perpetual dehydration, as I don't really go in for other beverages like soda, milk, or juice. I like milkshakes and smoothies, but those are practically MEALS you can sip. I am pretty much addicted to coffee and tea, and while they are comprised almost entirely of water, they are not considered thirst-quenchers. Or are they? I consider them quite "quenchy" actually.

In any case, I've been TRYING to drink more water, because it's "supposedly" good for you and I am partial to taking care of myself.

So today I went into the Corporate Kitchen where I work in an attempt to refill my month-old Gatorade bottle with some fresh Poland Spring. When I arrived, the Poland Spring Water Cooler was empty. But there were replacement water jugs on a table to the side, weighing approximately 50 lbs. each.

I'm strong, right?! And the Lord helps those who help themselves, right?!

WRONG-O! BIG-TIME ERRONEOUS MAXIM!

Because when I helped myself, by lifting this 50 lb. plastic Poland Spring Water Cannon and peeling its spout open and THEN trying to flip it upside down into the cooler I MADE A HUGE WET MESS ALL OVER MYSELF AND THE KITCHEN. I basically flooded the vending machine next to it, soaked my jeans and shirt, SQUEALED OUT LOUD FOR A LENGTH OF TIME THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS HUMILIATING, and then, in trying to gather paper towels from the paper towel dispenser, managed to BREAK THE DISPENSER in my panic/enthusiasm.

When someone walked in from another department and saw what I had done I meekly whispered, "...I...uh...I broke...the...I broke...the...kitchen." And this person had the GALL to suggest to me that maybe next time I ask someone else to replace the Poland Spring Water Jugs.

This water: the drinking of it? Dangerous business.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some have defined differences between swimming and drinking. Some like both at the same time. You do seem to to prefer the all at once approach. It's not so bad really. Water is a metaphor.

12:34 AM  
Blogger garin said...

Do you know who makes a really good "bottle"water is miller(yes,the beer guys) they even put it in there can's for that "sunday-afternoon nascar"feel, it 's really good!!! I did some looking on I-bay(iraqi-ebay) and found that a 50lb bottle of Poland Water goes for 3 (live)cammels and a malia-klavia!!! wanna trade?? hope you didn't get hurt in the "watergate"incident!!!

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Fenring said...

all wet and it was warm out lately, so it must've been a wet t-shirt...

i'm thinking bout drinking sometin' else now...

1:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Water is amazing. As for the taste, you are right...pretty bland. Except, if you drink it with chocolate ice cream (or chocolate, in general). The combo of chocolate and water is truly wonderful. Re: the benefits of water - I am under the impression that proper hydration reduces the need for the application of chapstick and moisturizer. It can also be used (in its 'universal solvent' capacity) after meals to wash away the sugar and gunk that leads to tooth decay (if brushing your teeth is not an option). Furthermore, I think adequate hydration dilutes the stink in sweat. So I say, continue to take the risk and replace the bottle.

Oh yeah, I have no scientific proof for any of this.
-Sean T.

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