SNAP INTO IT

I refer to myself as a late bloomer and, though I'm not a flowery gal, it's an apt description. I bring this up because, very late in the game, I have discovered something amazing and I'm sure -- much like DVR, alcohol, and sex -- all you early-blooming, precociously-pubescent carnivores knew about its wonders way before I did.

My discovery is JERKY. As in: dried beef/salmon/turkey jerky. Seriously: I had NO IDEA. It's WONDERFUL STUFF!

Caveat: I'm not talking mechanically-separated-pork snout jerky, those long, brown, dried ropes of turd that a certain wrestler and/or "snapalope" is famous for schilling. I'm talking NATURAL jerky, the meat separated not by machine but the sexiest of sexy man-hands.

My kind of jerky is great because it's like a chewy, spicy salt-lick AND it counts as FOOD! It's full of PROTEIN which means it's HEALTHY. Nevermind the salt content; I have adorably low blood pressure and can use a little kick of sodium every now and then. Jerky is a totally tasty stress-reliever because it gives my mouth a serious workout and that's awesome because I'm really into keeping fit (this means I'm interesting), especially if I can keep fit while eating (this means I'm insane). It's basically chewing gum for carnivores and Florida Panhandle murderers.

Trader Joe's sells organic versions of spicy beef and kippered salmon jerky, and I currently Can't Get Enough. This might mean I am a piece of trash or more like Macho Man Randy Savage than I ever thought, but I can live with that as long as I can snap into something so returdedly delicious.