Wednesday, June 14, 2006


This Cold is diabolically evil! It is STILL HERE even though I've run the gamut of my usual arsenal against it. I fed it fresh strawberries and bananas and my Cold just laughed in Fruit's face (my Cold is RUDE). I steeped bags of green tea and my Cold just swatted at the Antioxidants like a tiger with some catnip (my Cold is FELINE). I took vitamin C AND bought one of those C Monster Odwalla juices, which are really just overpriced jugs of liquid sugar, and my Cold seemed to grow Stronger, Greener, and Meaner (my Cold has a CATCHPHRASE).

Last night was just TOO MUCH! I could take NO MORE and actually used some symptom-relief medication: Rite Aid's Nighttime Flu Formula for Body Aches, Headaches, Fever, Sore Throat, Nasal Congestion, Runny Nose, and Sneezing. I thought, "This should do it! I will DEFINITELY sleep with this generic drug!"

But: no. Because the Nighttime Flu Formula doesn't prevent post-nasal-drip, which means it doesn't prevent COUGHING, and my Cold decided that last night would be THE NIGHT for a Post-Nasal-Drip PARTY. Phlegm was the guest of honor, and he made quite a grand entrance (into my tissues) over and over and over again. Talk about overstaying your welcome! It's like, Phlegm, buddy, haven't you heard the phrase "Always Leave Them Wanting More?" Honestly: I've really had enough of you. The only party guest more annoying then Phlegm was Snot. But I feel like Snot is one of those guys who just refuses to miss a party. He thinks he's so awesome but really he's just disgusting. And currently all over my pillows.

Maybe I did things all wrong! Is it Feed A Fever, Starve A Cold, or is it Starve A Flu, Feed A Cold, or is it Starve A Baby, Go To Jail? I DON'T KNOW! I'm feeding the fuck out of this Cold, though. Should I not be doing that? Liquids only? Boo hoo, if that's the case. I really don't love liquids. Why, just last night I told a waiter when he offered me water, "No thanks. I hate the stuff." And he looked at me like I was obnoxious, which I am. Because 10 minutes later I asked for water. "Sorry," I said, "I seem to be a jerk."

I never do this, but I'm raising the white flag, Cold. Let's truce it up, okay? You've got other, more interesting people to invade and knock down, and I've got...well...uh, I've Yes! I have Stuff I need to get to! IMPORTANT stuff! I'll go my way, you go yours, cool? I'd shake on it, but your hands, Cold, your hands: they're covered, LITERALLY covered, in snot.


Blogger jim said...

I had you in my weird folder, guess now I'll wipe my nose and put you in my awful weird folder.

but what were you doing in the waiters cafe when you had such a cold, glad I missed that party.

6:42 AM  

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