MOM, DAD, THIS IS MY NEW BOYFRIEND...

...Joe. But call him Trader. That's the cute little pet-name I gave him and he's such a man he doesn't mind if you use it, either. I just want you, my parents, to know that Trader treats me really really well. Mom, I know you always ask me when I bring up the new guy in my life, "...but is he GOOD to you?" and this time I can say, without a doubt, yes. Oh, mom, I've finally won the boyfriend lottery! Trader is SO SO GOOD TO ME! He anticipates my needs and desires better than anyone I've ever been with. It's like, every time I'm with him, I am left completely and utterly satisfied. Why, just tonight, Trader did one of his Trademark Moves: he asked me to take a gamble, and I did, and subsequently won BIG-TIME in doing so. It's like, how could I NOT be in love with you, Trader? Chili-Spiced Dried Mango Slices? Is...is this what...what...I...think...it...is? Spicy...dried...sweet...fruit? Oh my god! OH MY GOD! OHHHHHMYYYYYGOOOOD IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL YES! YES! YES! Oh sweetheart! It's so BEAUTIFUL! YES! YES!

Am I surprised? Oh darling, not at all! I mean, a little, but a woman always knows, doesn't she? Don't cry, sweetheart, I love you, too, darling. Forever and ever, yes! I promise, yes of course! Oh, sweety, I know you love me, too. I've never thought otherwise. This was meant to be. Oh, Trader, you are GOOD to me.