Sunday, June 11, 2006


I'm going to stop saying "I was raised RIGHT!" because, honestly, even if I WAS, in fact, raised RIGHT, I certainly don't behave in a way that comes close to demonstrating that, and I'd hate to come off like some kind of hypocrite.

Case in point: this weekend. The eldest of my older brothers celebrated his birthday, which was sort of a milestone, so the weekend presented an opportunity for me to interact with his friends...who are all older, settled, and, let's face it, TOTAL BREEDERS. At his birthday dinner, a minor banquet for 18 people at swanky place in Chelsea, I saw more pictures of newborns than I would have if I logged onto I had to act like I was impressed EVERY SINGLE TIME. And like, I think babies are cute, but COME ON: I am DRINKING TEQUILA WITH A SPLASH OF GRAPEFRUIT AND A HIT OF TABASCO (try it, it's delish) AND WHEN I DO THIS THE LAST THING ON MY MIND IS THE PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCE OF SOME STRANGERS' INTERCOURSE. Yes, Chloe is gorgeous! and I love how even though you're Jewish she is sitting on Santa's lap! IS that the definition of irony?! Okay, sure it is...Excuse me, waiter? I will have another Corazon with grapefruit, please, no ice this time, I really want to TASTE the tequila...What? SURE! Let me see that picture of Myles! Oh, he is CUTE! Wow, gained seven pounds in a month...that's...a...lot? I'm sorry, did you just say something about sore nipples? Huh! Breastfeeding is harder than I thought. Oh, but he's sleeping four hours a night? That's amazing! I think? Where did our waiter go...he sure is TAKING HIS TIME WITH THAT DRINK!

So I did my best at dinner. I tried to be interesting and interesTED. It...was...hard. I really just wanted my brother to have a good time and I know that he really wanted me there, but I'll be honest: laying down $100 for food and drinks and watching these married, employed ADULTS leave $50 as they made their goodbyes was kind of a bummer. Especially when you're cheap. Which I sort of am. But trying not to be. Which is why I spent $130 on my brother's birthday gift, a trio of some very fine cognacs, recommended to me by an EXPERT named Warren. Hey, I love my brother, nothing's too good for him, except for the $300 bottle of 35-year-old scotch that I REALLY wanted to buy but, alas, was well beyond my budget. So when I presented my $130 gift and my brother was like, "Hey, thanks!" I kind of wanted more of a reaction. Not his fault: he didn't KNOW those cognacs were, as Warren put it, The Best, and he didn't know they COST, as Warren put it, One Hundred and Thirty Dollars, and, well, I certainly couldn't TELL him. But I wanted to! Because I have no couth! But honestly: I wanted to tell him the cost because I wanted him to know how much I love him. I wanted my brother to know I love him way way more than money. And I couldn't articulate that by mouth so I did by wallet. I spent a lot to demonstrate my love even though he'd never know how much I spent or how much I love him. Which IS the definition of irony, and also what it means to be Jewish.

I was raised right, but I act ALL WRONG.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes you were. No you don't

1:04 AM  
Blogger jim said...

unbelievable, has to be true?

11:02 PM  

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