Thursday, June 08, 2006


I have been quite the clutz today! At the gym my ipod flew off my elliptical not once, not twice, but THREE times. That is unforgivable.

And then tonight, ravenous from the aforementioned Gym Experience, I attempted to make a healthy dinner. Sort of! I put a Trader Joe's frozen veggie enchilada entree in the oven, and had about 50 minutes of waiting to get through before it would be ready. 50 minutes, when you're either ravenous or me, is an impossible amount of time to wait, so I decided to make a salad. I got out my romaine lettuce, my goat cheese crumbles, my dried cranberries enhanced with Omega 3's, and my 80% full new bottle of Trader Joe's Raspberry Dressing, which is totally scrumptious stuff. Everything was going so well until the bottle of dressing slipped out of my hand and shattered across my kitchen floor. Red raspberry liquid splatter-smeared EVERYWHERE, and the glass bottle basically pulverized itself. And because we're out of paper towels, I had to clean up that sad mess with Swiffer dusters and Lysol Disinfectant Wipes. It took a long time. I was really sad about the loss of dressing, but I took a crack at whipping up my own using some sweet/hot mustard, red wine vinegar, olive oil, and fresh ground pepper. You'd think fresh is better than pre-prepared but YOU'D BE WRONG. It WASN'T THE SAME. Mainly because I didn't use raspberries. WHATEVER!

My rage made me even MORE hungry, so I decided to open up a new package of herbed turkey slices, no nitrates added! It came in one of those convenient resealable plastic jobbers, which I've always had a lot of luck with. Opening and resealing, I mean. Not tonight. Because tonight I was retarded. Literally. I felt like the world was teaching me a lesson on empathy, because now I know what it's like to not have the simple things work for you. I COULD NOT OPEN THE TURKEY. I easily zipped off the top unzipper part, but when I got to the red resealable line, things became IMPOSSIBLE. It WOULDN'T UNSEAL! I broke a sweat trying to unseal the goddamn seal! And when I couldn't do it with my own brute strength, I took a knife to the plastic. I know, so stupid, what with my present luck. Don't take a sharp knife to anything when you're retarded. Which I was. Tonight. But I did it, because I WAS SO HUNGRY and I was still waiting for my enchiladas to cook and my salad had just been a salad which is like food foreplay --it's good but it ain't gonna satisfy -- so I needed some nitrate-free herbed turkey in my gullet just to hold me over and I took a knife, a real sharp knife to it and really almost cut myself real real bad. I was lucky that I did not. And as lucky as I was to avoid knifing my hand for the love of turkey, I almost started crying because I FAILED TO OPEN THE TURKEY! Like, who can't open turkey?! BESIDES INFANTS AND RETARDS?! Honestly, I'm being offensive. Retards can TOTALLY OPEN TURKEY. It's ME who CANNOT. I mean, It's I who CAN'T.

Ugh, I'd return it to the store but that would be embarrassing! I can just imagine the cashier in his adorable Trader Joe's Hawaiian T-Shirt asking, "What's wrong with it?" And I'd be all, "Oh, nothing. I just can't seem to get it open! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hey! I CAN'T OPEN RESEALABLE PACKAGES OF SLICED TURKEY! YOUR CONVENIENT FOOD IS TOO INCONVENIENT FOR ME! Also: I'm retarded but I have a credit card! Crazy, huh?! Wait, where are you going...I'm still talking..."

Long story longer: I had to wait for the enchiladas to cook. And then they were ready. I mildly burned myself getting them out of the toaster oven. But only mildly. At least I didn't choke on them when I ate them! SCORE! I may be Queen Clumsy but this Queen knows how to cook!*

*reheat pre-made meals


Blogger jim said...

LOL, wish I had been there, what a mess, but what a meal.LOL.

I like your writing, your humor, thanks for the time, I'll come back for another date, thanks, hope you don't mind. Don't let the comments get in the way of your wonderful art of writing.

3:49 AM  

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