Tuesday, August 01, 2006


I'm very picky. It might seem as if I'll eat ANYTHING, but that's not true. Wait: it IS true, but what I mean is: I don't ENJOY everything. I suppose, though, that I will TRY it. Wait, that's a lie, too. I won't TRY everything, but I will LOOK at it or SMELL it. That's something!

Sometimes I'll go against my gut and try something I shouldn't. Like just now. There's a heat wave and I am too scared to leave my office and pick up a snack from outside but I am (I mean was) hungry so my only respite from the heat and hunger was the corporate vending machine. I don't think Nestle or Nabisco or Kellog's has a true bead on what it means to be hungry; if they did, they wouldn't have invented Pop Tarts and Bugles and Famous Amos cookies. For one, those "snacks" will NOT satisfy, and for another, they are, like, literally, not food. What is a Bugle? Like, really: WHAT IS IT?! It's a temporary placeholder for something real. Why can't a snack be real? Why does it have to be an invention that bears no resemblence to food as found in nature? Or: why don't they have apples and/or grapes and/or goat cheese-beet-watercress sandwiches in vending machines? That would be some Good Stuff and I'll tell you something: I DESERVE Good Stuff!

The only Good Stuff in the vending machine was Mr. Nature's Unsalted Energizer Mix. Okay, that's an amazing name for something that's meant to go in your mouth. I was ON BOARD! I mean, I like energy. And mixes. And Nature. And Mr.'s. So I gave it a go.

$.65 cents later I was like "Blargh! Blegh! Blooooogh! Feh!" You wanna know why? 'Cause Mr. Nature put DRIED BANANA CHIPS in his mix. I liked the almonds. And the raisins, and even the sunflower seeds. But, I just discovered, I DO NOT LIKE DRIED BANANA CHIPS. I like regular bananas just fine, and I'm not opposed to dried fruit, but a dried banana chip is just unholy and goooooooooo! goooooooooo! gross! Blech!

I ate every single chip in the bag to make sure I hated it so much, and believe me: I DO!

The other thing I've tried and not liked was raw octopus. Tasted sluggy. How much did I not like raw octopus? I've eaten tree and I liked raw octopus less.

Everything else: Yum!