Friday, March 09, 2007


Somebody or something gave me a jack 'cause my lady-mojo is through the roof! I don't mean to boast but I have been asked out on a number of lady-dates recently, and (okay, this is bragging) the ladies are pretty smokin' hot. They want to eat meals with me, these women, and I am more than happy to oblige them, but I hope they realize that the dates are not going to end in coitus.

Last night I went on one and I was more excited for it than I have been for most of my dude-dates. I even got DRESSED UP! Even though I was the one asked out (notice my self-esteem demands that I emphasize this), I took the reigns in planning the date, and decided on La Esquina (aka The Corner), a sceney, pricy, hot-shotty Mexican joint in my neighborhood.

Fortunately for me and my date my friend is a server there, and she was able to get us a reservation for 9pm absolutely no problem, your table is right this way past the employees only door, downstairs, through the kitchen, make a right, and there we were, in a packed restaurant that looked like a very hip Mexican dungeon whose walls were punctuated with random stencils of luchadors and whose ceilings had painted buckets on them. For no reason. I dug it.

We were seated next to the kitchen and bathrooms, which, as any snob knows, is dining Siberia. This, I did not dig. So I asked the hostess, very politely, if we could be moved to another table, and in no time my request was accomodated. My date was VERY impressed, THANK GOD, because I am always worried that my being pushy and/or overbearing means that I'm unloveable. NOT SO.

It turns out we were seated in my friend's section. WHICH WAS AWESOME, because she took her time with us recommending the best drinks and best dishes, and we took all of her recommendations. Date started out with a simple margarita (costing a rather complicated $10) and I splurged on a Hibiscus/Rosewater margarita (for an even more complicated $14). Both were DELICIOUS.

Date and I were basically made for each other, because even though she is a teeny-tiny skinny-minny, she is an EATER. We discussed our shared fear that, in life, "there's never going to be enough food," and "Megan," she said, "I'm HUNGRY, and I don't like small portions!" So we shared one ceviche and a spicy-steak taco appetizer, and then we EACH ordered our own whole grilled fish of the day (Durade) because the table next to us had ordered it and it LOOKED GOOD. Our server, my friend, thought we wanted to share just one. "No!" we both said, "We want TWO ORDERS of the fish!" We also ordered a side of garlicky string beans, 'cause I like to keep it healthy by adding unnecessary food.

The ceviche and steak tacos were completely delicious. After finishing them, I was actually starting to get full. I probably didn't need to eat too much more, actually, but I was looking forward to my fish. A food runner kept trying to put these amazing-looking chorizo quesadillas and raw tuna tortas on our table, and we kept saying "we didn't order that!" After his third try, I saw my server friend and she winked at us to take them. WOW, TOTAL BONUS ROUND! I am lately "off the pork", so I nibbled around the quesadilla, but the tuna torta was, to put it perfectly, rilly frickin' good. By this point, date and I were positively stuffed, but we soldiered on, ordering another round of drinks called Michelada, which is Tacate beer served over chili-doused ice fixed with a lime and salted rim. This was...not delicious? I drank it, but it was kind of pee-pee-doo-doo. Date had the wherewithal to leave hers behind.

Our fish came and we both agreed it was amazing amazing perfect. It came with peppery grilled onions that had been cooked so long so as to be transluscent. Our string beans were tops, too, and we both dispensed with ALL of them even after mutually confessing that our bellies were spilling over the tops of our jeans.

Dessert was completely unnecessary, but we both agreed to at least try one. The molten chocolate one. I slipped away to the bathroom because by this point we'd been sitting for over two hours and I had to, you know, pass the water? When I came back my date revealed that she is, in fact, my soul mate. Here is how: "Megan," she said, "I accidentally ordered TWO desserts! Do you hate me?!" So: we shared, and ate, TWO DESSERTS, one being the giant, outrageous, molton chocolate melting vanilla ice-cream ass-widener, and the other being a sticky, warm, fig and raisin bread pudding thigh-ruiner.

Four hours later we were ready for our check, because at this point weirdo-weirdo dudes started dancing awkwardly in the bar area and both of us became unilaterally shamed for the women they were with and, because we were impotent to defend anyone's honor, we decided we should just skedaddle out of there. Plus: it was 1am.

The check came. It contained numerous errors. Our drinks, the two extra appetizers, and our desserts were mysteriously missing. DOUBLE BONUS ROUND! We told my server friend "No way, Jose!" and she said "That's offensive! Not everyone in a Mexican restaurant is named Jose." Okay, she didn't say that but she did insist on leaving the check as is, so we left her a more than 50% tip in cash. Hey, that's just how I roll, li'l homies.

GREAT date! Even though it didn't end in a make-out session or full-release massage it was a fabulous time.

Now...Do I call? Or wait for HER to call?! Eek!

Monday, March 05, 2007


For lunch today I deliberately purchased a tuna salad (made with LIGHT mayo), whole wheat bread sandwich, wrapped in cellophane, for four dollars and ninety-nine cents.

I washed it down with NOTHING.
I am now craving RED JELLO.

Also: my shoulder feels arthritic because I slept on it wrong.
Plus: this morning when I took out the trash and caught a whiff I said, aloud, "Feh!"

And so: I am a 90-year-old woman.