Sunday, August 13, 2006


A good indicator of how I'm feeling about my body is if you see me at the grocery store, which is a sign that I need to take more responsibility for what I put in my mouth. An even better indicator of how I'm feeling about my body is what is in my grocery cart. A look inside and you will see the convergence of my bodily self-esteem with my financial self-esteem. The two together are EXPLOSIVE, and keep my therapist employed. But, I imagine, I'm not the only one in New York City for whom the two converge. Regularly.

So I'm shopping on a Saturday night after working out at the gym. A gym whose scales have just indicated the "mysterious" gaining of about 4-5 pounds. "Mysterious" but I know why: I have been eating anything and everything I want to, and leaving no leftovers on my plate. I have been ravenous! But, for the first time: it shows.

SPOILER ALERT! Here is where I confess to something that makes me feel deeply ashamed:
I went to the supermarket with the intention of buying those Kashi Go-Lean shakes.
I have never deliberately dieted in my life. I have accidentally stopped eating over heartbreak and sadness, but I've never consciously sought to reduce my weight, nevermind pay for a foodstuff that might help me do so.
But, last night, I totally wanted to!
But, last night, the store didn't have any shakes. They had Kashi Go-Lean powder. The kind you mix yourself.
I was like, "Fuck that!" I'm not mixing my own high-fiber, high-protein, meal replacement shake! THAT IS TOO MUCH EFFORT!

So I went to the yogurt aisle and bought 6 Great Grains yogurts (my favorite).
And I went to the cereal aisle and bought some Kashi Go-Lean cereal because I actually like it and eat it anyway, scale surprise or not.
And I wanted to buy some blueberries and raspberries but they were god-awful expensive. But the Cliff Bar Kidz Bar was $.49, so I bought 4 of them! Even though they are basically candy. But their cheapness appealed to my financial self-esteem, while the blueberries and raspberries did not. Even though they appealed to my taste-bud and body self-esteem.

The ways I indulge myself and the ways I deny myself are such that there are people, at this very moment, locked inside certain institutions who are more in touch with their needs than I am. But hey, let me not get too down on myself: at least I can wipe my own ass, right? High five! High five! Biceps, I kiss you in exultation!