Thursday, August 10, 2006


Overpay one day, get some freebies the next:

I'm freelance producing and today my editor and I ordered make-your-own salads for lunch; I asked for my dressing to be mixed in, but my editor, apparently "watching his weight", like a "silly girl" who "hates her body" even though it's "pretty good" and too bad he has a "live-in girlfriend" wanted his dressing on the side. Which meant that he got no dressing when our salads were delivered. Since he was the one doing all the work in our session, I offered to take the elevator down 32 flights to get him something that would make his salad edible: liquid, fatty, flavoring. Now, my once and future nemesis Cosi just happens to be on the ground floor of the building--and they happen to sell salad--so instead of going outside I thought I might be able to get some dressing from them. Which I did, by lying to the man manning the dressings, saying I'd purchased a salad earlier and could I please buy some more dressing. He gave me a soup-cupful. For free. Pretty classy Cosi employee, but I still hate Cosi (see: Squagel).

Then this evening, before going to the gym, I thought I might like to have a cup of City Bakery coffee. But they were selling Cold Hot Chocolate, which is just too delicious for words! AND too fattening for thighs! "Could I have a bit of your cold hot chocolate at the bottom of my coffee?" I asked. "I'm happy to pay the extra for it." But once again, the Universe provides, because the nice man selling me the coffee refused to charge me for that generous drop of cool cocoa. Total class act, nice man!

THEN, I had an impromptu dinner with a friend, and HE paid for me! For no reason! Or maybe because my BLT was astonishingly inexpensive and it would feel weird to ask for $3.90? Well, whatever the reason it was Super-Classy To The Extreme!

I have to wonder, though. It's summer, and my shirt was kind of low-cut. But hey: if a little cleavage makes men classy then I am all for it. Thank you, boobies. You're terrific!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Whole Foods' salad bar now costs $7.99/pound. That is Re-tar-tar, Whole Foods! More Re-tar-tar than the pun that titles this entry!

And don't think that I don't notice that most of your composed salads are super-heavy, sopped with dressings to add weight (and, yes, flavor!). That's right: nothing gets by me!

And your signs? The ones that say "NO NIBBLING!"? Hey, guess what, Whole Foods: I don't need to be condescended to...especially as you're victimizing my wallet with your sloppy-sauced salads. No nibbling! I will goddamn nibble if I want to! Maybe not pre-purchased chicken provencal salad, perhaps instead the nibbling will be upon my own cuticles, but you can't stop me!

Disdainfully Yours,
Stingy McBleedyfingers

Sunday, August 06, 2006


I would very much like to be the second coming of Gael Greene.

But with more discretion.