QUERO MEU BIFE MAL PASSADO

This post is all about meat, because I am infatuated with meat. I was going to qualify "infatuated" with "slightly" but then I thought the adverb would read like an apology and I am not sorry for my obsession.

I decided to write about meat today because of some music I've been listening to also unapologetically obsessively, and that music is Battles. Their record Mirrored is like The Greatest Thing I Have Listened To In Quite Some Time and I would already like to declare it Best Album 2007. That shit is amazing and the reason it is part of this entry is because listening to it makes me want to consume the flesh of a fresh-killed animal and eat it with my bare hands. I know that sounds crazy but listen to it and then tell me it doesn't kind of make your mouth water for Something!

Because I live in a time and place where eating the meat of a fresh-killed animal with my bare hands is not exactly convenient, I am doing the Next Best Thing: I am going to Carne Vale to eat as much Meat-On-A-Stick as I possibly can. Carne Vale is a Brazilian rodizio on B between 3rd and 4th and it is sick. For $35 you get a ridiculous amount of meat delivered (by metal stick, sim) and sliced (by metal knife, double sim) to your table, never mind the salad bar, sides, and dessert, which are good but ultimately irrelevant. Yes, it's a Flesh Feast at Carne Vale, in this case a charred Flesh Feast of so many anonymous cows and steers, their bodies divided into rib eyes, filets, prime ribs, skirt and flank steaks, short ribs, sirloins, not to mention the anonymous baby lambs, and also some extra-anonymous sausage/turkey/chicken selects that I'll be ignoring. When you think about all those lost animal souls, $35 is a retarded bargain. Especially in this town, I mean are you kidding me?

YOU'RE SO COOL, YOU'RE SO COOL, YOU'RE SO COOL.

I met a friend for breakfast at Cafe Edison today, and as I waited for him I had what I consider to be one of my best celebrity sightings ever: Ira Glass! He was sitting in the corner having a rather animated conversation, and I covertly watched and tried to listen in for a good ten minutes.

Now if you only vaguely know me, you know that even my best attempts at being covert are about as subtle as a fresh turd on a wedding gown. I mean, I was literally STARING at Ira Glass, eavesdropping to the maximum degree. At one point he looked over at me (my laser-vision is scorching hot) and I did that thing that everybody does when they get caught having a look-see: I very quickly looked away at nothing, and pretended that the nothing was just so incredibly interesting. Except for me, the nothing that I chose to look at was the floor, so I had to pretend to be incredibly interested in Cafe Edison's floor for longer than I would have liked.

I was tempted to walk up to Ira Glass and say, in my most charming voice, "Have I got a story for YOU!" but I did not do that because, to be honest, I had no story for him, and also I realized that saying that to him would have been kind of insane and not at all charming. Especially if I had said it and then admitted, "Actually, Mr. Glass, I have no story for you." I am very funny and clever.

My friend arrived and we were seated as far from Ira Glass as the interior design of Cafe Edison would allow, and at this point in my day I am choosing to believe that it's just a coincidence.

GOOD BABY

Congratulations, Avner! Today, my friend, you are a Put It In Your Mouth VIP. Seriously, I have never seen anyone, baby or adult, so keen on Putting It In His/Her Mouth. At this point in your short life, Mommy's Nipple is just as good as Random Spoon, Soft-Cover Book, Own Foot, My Hair, Own Fist, Pacifier, Mommy's Other Nipple, Fortune Cookie Wrapper, My Glasses, and your Own Other Foot. Oh, and BTW, Avner, you are crazy flexible! If it weren't inappropriate to say so I'd admit to a slight envy of your physical flexibility (for sexual reasons, natch) but I would never say so because that is a sick thing to say in front of a baby. And you are a baby, you are, and I really am not one for babies, I mean I'm picky, I play favorites, I only really like the good babies, the sweet, smart, wise-eyed, old-souled babies, and you, Avner, you are a Good Baby. You are one of my favorites, and I really admire you. I admire the way you explore the world because you explore it with your mouth. I can't say it's a courageous way to approach things, because you're not conscious of what you're really doing, but I do think it's brave in its own way. Because you have no fear. And you shouldn't; your mama is there to make sure you only put safe things In Your Mouth. You are a lucky dude. You are more than that: you are Really Something! I like you and I like eating with you and I like watching you eat and not eat. You remind me of what I used to be, and how far I've come. Congratulations to you for being awesome and to me for appreciating it out of my own self-centered nostalgia!

PYROMANIA

Living in New Amsterdam you're either a don't or a do, and if you're a don't good for you I admire you completely and wish I had your strength of will I really do but I'm no don't I'm a do as in I do enjoy a dose of the Dutch Courage and if you're a do too then this is your place. The margaritas are very good and what makes them very good is that they are absolutely unnecessary most especially on a Sunday and made fresh with lime and grapefruit, tequila infused with habanero and jalapeno, the cup's rim sugared instead of salted, and they set my mouth on fire, my mouth on fire! fire! fire!

You don't have to be a do be a don't it's up to you and you don't have to start fires but I do I do I do.