Wednesday, November 15, 2006


I have eaten puke. A couple of times, actually.

If you want to see what it looks like when I do this then come to the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater TONIGHT!

It all goes down (and comes back up) at around 10pm.

"To Talk About Wine Is To Talk Like An Asshole"

This is great.

Monday, November 13, 2006


More wish fulfillment!

Was taken out to Sparks Steakhouse this Saturday night, where I ate oysters without worry over price OR hepatitis! They were delicious, and in fact the entire meal was "off the hook" and "chain" and also, I would say, "crazy delicious"!

It would take a million words and an extraordinary vocabulary to describe just how good the entire meal was, independent of the steaks, but I will make an attempt using a little less than a million words and the vocabulary of a fifth grader.

We started with Makers and ginger ale at the bar. Even though we had a reservation, we had to wait for about 40 minutes. It was either wait or grease the maitre d's palm, and it would have felt awkward handing him a paper Abe Lincoln, which definitely would have gotten us our table sooner. But I'll tell you what: sipping on good bourban is an EXCELLENT way to pass the time. It is, I dare say, the ONLY way to pass the time. Or: maybe that's what alcoholics think. Anyway, the bartender made a real honest drink, which means I would soon became a real drunk woman. More on that later.

We were taken to our table which, as luck would have it, was a BOOTH! I love booths! Booths are the best unless they're assassinating aforementioned bearded presidents. We perused the menu and I came to the conclusion that although Sparks is a steakhouse it is also a winehouse, because most of the menu was really just a completely insane wine list. And besides wine and steaks there were also lobsters (up to 5 lbs) and other seafood dishes on the menu, and that's when I noticed the oysters. I guess I got visibly excited because my dining companion suggested we order them. AWESOME. We did. They were AWESOME. Fresh, East Coast, super-cold bivalves. We also ordered Ceaser Salad, which was...moist? I know that's a terrible word for a salad but that's what is was! A lot of dressing. It was...good? It was mostly wet. Enough about that.

Then: creamed spinach. Uh, duh. It was garlicky and very green and really quite delicious. Not overly creamy. Not chunky/gloppy. If Popeye were a Prince instead of a Sailor this is the way he would eat his spinach. We also got a bottle of red...I think it was a Cabernet blend but I kind of don't remember? I don't remember because there was alcohol in it? And I drank a bunch of glasses? Thank goodness we were in a booth and not a table because I would have fallen out of my chair, and that is not what a lady is supposed to do at a steakhouse.

Okay, now for the most important part: THE STEAKS. I am about to commit familial treason (I am so sorry, dad, as I am about to break your heart), but The Steaks at Sparks were The Most Delicious I Have Ever Eaten.

Dad? Are you okay?*

I had the Filet Mignon even though it's not my favorite cut and my date ordered the sirloin so that we could compare. Medium rare for both of us.

RETARDED DELICIOUS. I mean this. These steaks were so good I think I became retarded upon mouth entry. I mouthgasmed so many times on these steaks that if anyone had been filming I would now be the star of a humiliating amateur internet video. I'm talking perfectly charred/salty outside, tender, flavorful, deep pink/red innards. The sirloin was definitely the more flavorful of the two, marbled with fat, but the juiciness and melt-in-your-mouth texture of the filet was incomparable. NO STEAK SAUCE NECESSARY, and, as a demonstration of Arrogance or Totally Deserved Confidence, Sparks does not provide any.

I ate all of my steak (after sharing a good amount of it and eating a good amount of the sirloin) and was ready to bust, but because we were eating as if it were Our Last Meal On Earth we ordered dessert: Pecan Walnut Pie A La Mode. Delicious. Unecessary. Unfinished.

I impressed my dining companion with how much I was able to pack away (I think I ate more than he did. I am all about emasculation, guys!), and as much as I'd like to brag about how awesome my appetite is, really the thing most deserving praise is my dining companion for having both the smarts to suggest Sparks and the generosity to treat me. Oh, Sparks, I even came up with a new slogan for you: Steaks So Good, They'll Make You Renounce Your Steak-Cooking Father.

*My dad totally reads my blog.