Thursday, February 01, 2007

SCARFIN'

Wow, hormones, you did it! You really know how to fuck my shit up! Thanks to your monthly spike, I have been on some kind of binge bender. I'm exactly like Godzilla if Tokyo were a city made of chocolate. And if Godzilla spoke English and had freckles. But you get the terrible analogy (fingers crossed!).

Yesterday's Menu:

Breakfast: Activia strawberry yogurt. English Breakfast tea, skim milk. SO FAR SO GOOD.

Lunch: Large romaine lettuce salad, tossed with artichoke hearts, sundried tomatoes, parmesan cheese, black olives, grilled mushrooms, fresh squeezed lemon, black pepper, balsamic vinegar. KEEP IT GOING, NEURINGER. LOOKIN' GOOD OUT THERE!

Snack: Snickers Bar. WHAT THE...?

2nd Snack: Swiss Miss hot chocolate. WAIT, DIDN'T YOU JUST HAVE A CANDY BAR 5 MINUTES AGO?

Dinner: Small coffee, four donut holes (2 chocolate, 2 glazed). THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

3rd Snack: Kozy Shack rice pudding cup. WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY? YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT.

2nd Dinner: 2 glasses Sauvignon Blanc, 1000 blue corn chips, 2 bowls guacamole, 2 bowls salsa. OKAY, THIS IS MORE BALANCED. CORN, AVOCADO, TOMATO, FERMENTED GRAPES. NICE!

4th Snack: Caramel Chocolate Luna Bar. THIS IS BASICALLY A CANDY BAR PACKAGED TO RESEMBLE A HEALTH FOOD. NOBODY LIKES YOU RIGHT NOW!

5th Snack: 1000 Carrot sticks, 1 tub o' hummus. WAY TO BRING IT BACK TO HEALTHY. I'M PROUD OF YOU. JUST DON'T FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH. WHAT? NO, YOU CAN'T JUST REST YOUR HEAD FOR A MINUTE, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR CLOTHES AND FORGET TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH. AT LEAST SET YOUR ALARM. HEY. HEY! HEY, ARE YOU ASLEEP ALREADY?! WOW. YOU LOOK SO PEACEFUL. LIKE A LITTLE DOLL. LET ME TUCK YOU IN. OH, YOU'RE AWAKE NOW. WHAT? OH, THAT'S SWEET, BUT UH, I CAN'T. BECAUSE, I JUST...CAN'T. LOOK, I CAN'T MAKE LOVE TO YOU, OKAY?! PLEASE STOP ASKING, THIS IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE. WHAT? A HUG? SURE, WHAT'S ONE LITTLE HUG? C'MERE. THERE, HOW WAS THAT? NOT LONG ENOUGH?! UH, OKAY. HERE. HOW WAS THAT? LONGER? UH...OKAY. OKAY. UH...LISTEN...UH...OKAY. UH...LOOK, I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA...WHAT? YOU NEVER WANT TO STOP HUGGING? EVER? I GOTTA...WOW, THAT'S SAD.

Monday, January 29, 2007

I COULD LIVE ON HOPE

Steel pins and surgery are not enough, and hope is not enough, so I am sad for Barbaro today. He's just a horse! But I love horses, and I love a winning horse, and I especially love a winning horse who can become at once a dog, an underdog, because of a terrible accident that shatters his right hind leg, a strong leg that seems to mend and in so mending makes me hopeful, but then again it's a right hind leg that doesn't mend, a strong right leg whose injury is so much stronger, so that, too much, it's all too much, it's all injury, and so the right hind leg and the left hind leg, and the two front legs and the gorgeous horse hair and gorgeous horse head and the everything horsey, the gallop and the gait and all the gorgeous horse grace that makes up a horse is down.

They put him down.

And I am weeping for a horse.

If I tell you that my tears are salty, does it count as a food review?