THE PRINCE OF TIDES

Look, I've seen this movie, and I don't like it, but Barbara Streisand has a line in the film that has become my mantra. I know, GROSS, my mantra is lifted from The Prince of Tides: total EW!

But here it is: "Just because I don't know how to cook, doesn't mean I don't know how to eat."

Forgive the line its double negatives (HORRIBLE MOVIE = HORRIBLE SYNTAX), and understand that it perfectly describes me.

I am a TERRIBLE cook!
But I am a WONDERFUL eater!

I do want to be a better cook, though, and last night, I had the opportunity to improve my lack-of-talents in the kitchen when MY DINNER DATE CANCELLED ON ME!

Just because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP A MAN'S INTEREST doesn't mean I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE INTERESTED IN MEN. Or something like that.

So instead of romance I did the next best thing: I went to Becca and Jed's apartment on the Upper West Side. They are married and have a REAL apartment and a REAL relationship and a REAL deep fat fryer. Their friend Matt was there and he was a REAL go-getter type who became the impetus for us to buy some organic chicken (Murray's -- THE BEST), sweet potatoes, salad, Pilsbury biscuits, and Budweiser. A lot of Budweiser.

The gents did the shopping and the ladies did the cooking. And it was....FUN! I really enjoyed cooking, and I wasn't half-bad at it. I did burn my thumb on some steam from opening the amazing deep fat fryer, but I told no one because Becca was already nervous every time I approached the fryer, and I didn't want her to feel justified in her emotional choice.

I don't want to sound conceited, but our fried chicken was 100% delicious! We fried drumsticks and thighs, and the skin was perfectly crisp and seasoned. Until last night, I hadn't had fried chicken in YEARS, let alone HOMEMADE fried chicken! It was awesome! We made sweet potato french fries that were also SO DELICIOUS that they were consumed within two minutes of leaving the fryer...and we made A LOT of fries. The biscuits, despite being from a pre-made mix that came in a soft aluminum/cardboard can, were incredible. I put honey on everything -- so good!

The best part of eating at Becca and Jed's, though, is that they forget that they're civilized people and that cutlery's been invented, so they use GOD'S CUTLERY (their hands) making the meal even MORE fun (and disease-ridden).

It was a great night, borne out of great disappointment.

Hey: just because I don't have a dinner date doesn't mean I don't know how to have dinner.

A GOOD DAY

How do you know a day is good?

When you eat every meal for free.

That was my day today: I didn't spend a single penny on food or drink.

Man, if all my days could be like this one!

I pretty much just described my version of Heaven.

I'm going to cap this day off with some FREE Golden Grahams bathed in fat-FREE milk.

I WANT TO EAT YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL

Ever get so hungry that you just lose your mind?

I do.

ALL THE TIME!

Today I was in a "sound mix," which is a very expensive means for me to get a free lunch. Basically, when you produce a promo, which is what I've been doing for LOGO, you get to go to a very fancy sound studio and have an engineer make the promo sound perfect. The dude (sound engineers are ALWAYS dudes) adds bells and whistles (sometimes literally), and I sit there surfing the internet, telling him what sounds good, and eating the lunch that the studio is required to let me order.

This particular studio had a 10" binder filled with menus, but I always take the suggestion of the "locals," because they know what's good. The dude recommended Thai, so I took him up on it. I got to order without worrying about price because, again, it's totally FREE! So I got a spicy vegetable soup (for my cold), and the LARGE duck salad. Now normally I would get the GOLD-LEAF CHICKEN CURRY OVER DIAMOND-STUDDED RICE, but I was genuinely trying to be healthy, so I really didn't bilk the studio as much as I could have. I'm sure NO ONE cared.

We ordered at 1:30pm, and my session was over at 2pm. I have to say that by the time my food arrived at 1:50pm, I was not only highly anxious, with a nervous sweat beading underneath my chestal lady-parts, but INCOHERENTLY HUNGRY. And I like to be polite in front of strangers, but I threw all social propriety away and ripped into my soup and salad like a certain olde timey rapist by the name of Jack used to rip into ladies. I was shoving delicious chewy/fatty duck meat into my mouth like a certain olde timey shover by the name of Jack used to shove ladies. I was cramming salad like...you get it: a professional crammer.

And I think I scared the dude. I mean, I'm not an imposing figure, but this sound engineer put all his appendages away and took his spring rolls off my desk. "You can try one..." he said, as he slinked out the room with his food. I never saw him again.

THERE CAN BE ONLY TWO

Oops! I made a mistake!

Breyer's All Natural Vanilla is STILL the most DELICIOUS ICE CREAM, and because it's ICE CREAM, it's the most DELICIOUS of all foods, but there is ONE OTHER FOOD that is AS EMPIRICALLY DELICIOUS, and I feel anxious for having neglected to mention it.

This food introduced me to the concept of a MOUTHGASM.

Do I really need to explain what a MOUTHGASM is? It's when your mouth explodes in joyous spasms of tension release based solely on the DELICIOUSITY of the food inside it.

MOUTHGASMS are rare, but believe me, YOU KNOW when you're having one.

And I know, when I need one, exactly how to get it. Hey, I'm a lady who takes care of herself!

The quickest way to achieve MOUTHGASM is by taking ONE VERY FRESH, HOT, KRISPY KREME GLAZED DONUT and PLACING IT INSIDE YOUR MOUTH.

The donut MUST BE HOT. IT MUST BE PLAIN GLAZED. And it MUST BE KRISPY KREME.

Please try this. You will know what I'm talking about immediately. These donuts: there's no chewing necessary!

Maybe, if you're trying this for the first time, pick a quiet, private place to place the HOT FRESH DONUT in your mouth. Who knows how your MOUTHGASM is going to manifest itself, and you don't want to be publicly humiliated.

If you would like to take pictures of Krispy Kreme donuts in your mouth and your facial reactions, please send them to me, as I would like to see them.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

Time for the inevitable: if I'm going to write about food, then at some point I'm probably going to have to name my favorite. My favorite of all the foods!

(Now I know how Noah DID NOT feel when all the little animals were marching into his ark. I mean, imagine if he had to choose just one pair among such gorgeous diversity! What I'm saying is that my task here is MORE DIFFICULT THAN NOAH'S!)

But I figure I should name THE ULTIMATE IN DELICIOUS, AKA EMPIRICALLY DELICIOUS early in this journey that we're having together, because then you can use my favorite food as a baseline for all my other judgements. Like a litmus test, if you will.

Will you?

Okay, here it is:

It's Breyer's All Natural Vanilla Ice Cream.

It is the MOST DELICIOUS FOOD ON EARTH. EMPIRICALLY.

It is the food that I have eaten more consistently, and with more consistent pleasure, than any other in my life. I was weaned on it, and I hope that when I am an old lady, without teeth again, it will be my last meal.

Here are its ingredients: Milk, Cream, Sugar, Natural Flavors (used to say Vanilla).

When you open a new carton, there are little black flecks of "Natural Flavors," which used to be little black flecks of Vanilla.

Those flecks are DELICIOUS. To my EYES!

So go home, Ben and Jerry's with your liquid-sugar and cloying chunkiness! Get out of my room, Haagen-Daz with your made up name and egg-yolky richness! I'll take my light and airy Breyer's, a colder, more comforting version of sweet, steamed vanilla milk, any day. I'll take it every day, because it is, as the aforementioned proves, the MOST DELICIOUS OF ALL THE FOODS.

I will never stop loving it in my mouth. And I will always put it there.