Thursday, May 11, 2006



Have you ever been asked to leave a restaurant? Maybe because you were still there at closing time (though you'd entered and ordered before said time), and maybe because the workers were tired and wanted to go home? And told you and your party that you were "holding them up, and we're basically just waiting for you to leave so can you now, please, leave?"

Have you ever had this happen at the MORE THAN DECENT hour of 11pm? On a Wednesday night? In NEW YORK CITY?!

This happened to me last night at a shitty place I like to call Republic, in Union Square. Any super-cool international jetsetter knows that Republic is a blatant knock-off of London's Wagamama, a reasonable pan-asian noodle house with communal seating and toute-suite computerized ordering system. But Republic forgot to go ALL THE WAY with their copycat act, because they forgot to import Wagamama's relaxed, chilled-out "please, we can think of no greater HONOR than to have you finish your glass of Cab-Sav" environment.

Confidential to Republic and its employees: you were supremely ungracious last night! I will even go so far as to say that I now consider you a douchebag of a destination! Like, TAKE A CHILL PILL! It was 11pm! And I wasn't done with my wine! Which cost me SIX DOLLARS A GLASS! DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY?! Well, I could see why you might think that but I AM NOT MADE OF MONEY! So, please, LET ME SIP ON MY DULCET SOCIAL CRUTCH! Wine is not for POUNDING! So: DON'T RUSH ME, JERKS!

Otherwise: get out of Union Square, get out of New York City, and serve your stingy bowls of noodles over in Kindergarten Village, where bedtime and mealtime occur at 6pm. Hey, that's just a free tip from me to you. I offer it because I have something you lack: CLASS!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


It seems like I eat anything I want, without limits or guilt, doesn't it? Well, I don't. Not even close!

Now I would like to tell you about some foods that I think are delicious BUT AVOID EATING!

Macaroni and Cheese
Fried Chicken
Fish N' Chips
Jalapeno Poppers
Nachos With The Works
Pepperoni Pizza
Egg Rolls
Black And White Milk Shake
Coffee Milk Shake
Chocolate Milk Shake
Pain Au Chocolat
Crab Rangoon
Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Chili Dogs
Big Mac
Sausage And Peppers Hero
Philly Cheese Steak
Onion Rings
Creme Brulee
Spaghetti Carbonara
Fettucini Alfredo
Duck Confit
Country Pate
Foie Gras
French Toast

Why do I avoid these foods? A couple of reasons. First, they offer little to zero nutritional value; it'd be like eating dust, but dust that makes you fat and gives you arteriosclerosis. And there's the second reason: they are divine on the palate, but atrocious on the body. As someone who has VERY LITTLE discipline when it comes to the things I like, I find that to be AT ALL disciplined, some foods are an all-or-nothing proposition.

If I start making concessions to mac n' cheese, I will fall in love with it and want it all the time. Slippery slope and all that hooey. But it's true! Now, I allow myself french fries because they truly make me happy, but let me tell you: I eat A LOT OF french fries! If french fries are around me, I am eating them, even if I did not order them. I'm kind of a french fry bandit. I have a self-declared French Fry Problem. AND I DON'T NEED ANY MORE PROBLEMS! Imagine what I'd look like/feel like if I were to start making excuses for Lasagna (Garfield, I totally empathize with you, dude, and you're a CAT, and I HATE cats)?

I'd have a heart attack/fat attack in three months.

And I don't want that. But I DO want pleasure! Why does fatty-fried-food have to be so TASTY?! Curse you DELICIOUSNESS! You will be the RUIN of me!

But I have it all planned out: When I am 90 years old, I will eat all of these foods every day. Oh! And I will also do a lot of ecstasy.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


I have 12 cans of Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream next to me. I tried to buy a single can, but I couldn't find it ANYWHERE! Way to distribute your beverages, Dr. Pepper! By the way: I'm being SARCASTIC, JERKS!

I finally found the stuff at The Food Emporium, but only in a 12-pack. I suppose I could have NOT BOUGHT the 12-pack, but then I would have NOT DRUNK the drink. And seriously: I needed to get Berried in Cream. Doesn't everybody?! Am I taking this too far? Don't answer: I'm being RHETORICAL, JERKS!

NOBODY needs that much diet soda in such close proximity; believe me when I say that I'm 100% positive that if I drink 12 cans filled with Aspartame and Sodium Benzoate within a two week period I will be WAY closer to death than if I spread out the drinkage over a summer...or maybe even a lifetime?

I am, however, at once impressionable, susceptible, suggestable, and amenable to advertising, and also completely hostile to it. Dr. Pepper got me this time, and I just had to Had To HAD TO try their new wares.

So, how does the new potion taste?

I'll tell you: It tastes DAMN GOOD.

I was a rabid fan of Diet Dr. Pepper for a good year, but then I just stopped with the diet sodas, and my relationship with Diet Dr. Pepper faded into the past, total No Contact. I sort of miss it? But not really? Let's just say I'm moving on with my life, no regrets.

Now, this Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream? It's effin GOOOOOOD! It is 50% subtle raspberry and 50% subtle vanilla and 100% tastes like a good Dr. Brown's Black Cherry Soda with a hit of sweet vanilla. But not too sweet! I HATE TOO SWEET!

I imagine it would be delightful with some Breyer's All Natural Vanilla Ice Cream floating in it. It would also be delicious after a slice of super-duper pizza. But not with: only after. A sweet-but-not-to-sweet palate cleanser, if you will. Will you? You should. It's great.

Seriously, treat yourself right: Get Berried In Cream! HA HA! I LOVE IT! IT'S INSANE AND SO AM I!

Monday, May 08, 2006


THAT'S the slogan for Dr. Pepper's new Berries & Cream? REALLY?! According to the company website this "refreshing" beverage combines the one of a kind flavor of Dr. Pepper with the smooth indulgent taste of cream and a refreshing hint of berry. Get lost in the flavor. Get berried in cream.

This is 100% crazy. Basically, my soul's mate writes copy in the ad department at Dr. Pepper Corporate, because only an insane jokester would submit that terribly punny line to promote SOMETHING YOU DRINK. It's something I would write if I HATED MY BOSS and MY JOB and were PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY LOOKING TO GET FIRED.

But Dr. Pepper Corporate bought it. They liked the line. Actually, they LOVED the line!

It is SO INAPPROPRIATE, I'm literally GOBSMACKED that it exists.

Also: I am going to buy a Dr. Pepper's Berries & Cream IMMEDIATELY.