NICE ONE, POINDEXTER

I am a dumb-dumb. I am almost exactly like Tweedle-Dumb. I am Re-Tar-Tar Binks, only I live in this galaxy. What I'm saying is: I am not smart.

I was really hungry and had to grab a super-quick dinner and the two friends I was with had already eaten so they didn't want to sit and it's hard to eat quick and not sit unless it's McDonald's or pizza and I don't eat McDonald's and I didn't want pizza so when we passed a Subway I said "Fine! I'll eat fucking FRESH!"

So I went up to the counter and ordered a sandwich and here is what I said: "I'll have a six-inch whole wheat...with TURKEY, please."

I ate a turkey sandwich. The night before Thanksgiving. That may not be a big deal to you, but it is an excruciating error to me. I mean, of all the things to eat, before, you know, I eat! It's like prepping for a coma by taking a nap. Or listening to a very poor cover band before seeing the original perform live (I am SO NOT INTO THAT!).

I ate an insulting, unnecessary approximation of "turkey" not 15 hours before I'll be eating the Real Deal. With sides.

Bonehead! Numb-nut! Lame-brain! TURKEY!

BEELZEBUB

I'm not Catholic but if I were, after this weekend, my soul would be eternally damned (at least according to Wikipedia):

Modern views identify Gluttony as being associated with an overindulgence of food and drink, though in the past any form of thoughtless excess could fall within the definition of this sin. Marked by a refusal to share resources and unreasonable or unnecessary consumption, Gluttony could also include certain forms of destructive behaviour, especially for sport, for example substance abuse or binge drinking. The penitent in the Purgatorio were forced to stand beneath two trees, unable to make use of the food hanging there and giving them a starved appearance and fornicating with animals.

Okay, first of all: this Wikipedia entry was made by either a pretentious American or a knowledgeable Brit (notice the spelling of 'behavior'). Secondly: that last part is crazy! I definitely repent for my excessive eating and drinking this weekend, but I don't want to make love to a goat because of it. And I know the Wiki didn't specify which animal, I know I'm probably jumping to conclusions, but we're on the same page that the animal in question would be a goat, right?!

I don't think that what I did this weekend warrants that lonely tree-torture, either. Nor do I think it deserves my being forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes, which, according to The Picture Book of Devils, Demons, and Witchcraft, is the punishment for gluttony in Hell.

Hell, I'm already IN Hell! Is there anything more torturous to a woman of a certain age, possessing a certain vanity, than a distended beer gut, a puffy, pale face, fried chicken flashbacks, and incessant cravings for leafy salads, green teas, and multiple colonics? That may be a naive question, but at least it's rhetorical.

Hey, at least the Season Of Moderation is upon us, right?
Oh wait: Oh shit.